Love through the Years
by Kita Samuelle
Summary: I don’t know how she does it, but she does. She’s under my skin. And now I know. If I’m not very careful, she’ll find a way to my heart. I can’t let that happen. Not again. Never again. Not a oneshot.
1. She's under my skin

_A/N: For the first time, I believe, this is not a oneshot! It'll have a few chapters, all I'm going to try to put up immediately. I've been receiving more comments lately. Let me say, thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback from my readers!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Lfn_

_**Love through the Years**_

I've just arrived back at my office after having coffee with my material. With Nikita.

I should be home right now. Tucking Adam in to bed. Kissing Elena goodnight. Instead, I called the house and said work was keeping me over tonight. That it was impossible to make it home.

I can't go there. Not tonight, at least.

Everything about me aches. But most of all, my heart bleeds. Simone died three years ago.

She died again today.

This time, there was someone there to reach out and distract my guilty mind. Before, I was alone to wallow in my heart wrenching grief. Not this time. I don't deserve the patient, caring look she flashes me every time I fall silent. Or look away. Even if I take a sip of coffee.

She feels sorry for me. She cares. She shows it.

I never liked pity. But I didn't mind it today. It was heavily disguised.

She paid for the coffee before I had a chance to. She drove. She picked the place. She took care of everything. I didn't have to put thought to a single detail tonight. I just had to sit there. Listen to her soothing words.

I never had someone who paid so much attention to my silent messages. Most people can't understand me. I relish in that. But some how, she slips under the radar. She can see through my facade. Straight to the pain that lies underneath.

I don't know how she does it, but she does. She's under my skin.

And now I know.

If I'm not very careful, she'll find a way to my heart.

I can't let that happen. Not again. Never again.

I couldn't bare to lose another. I've had two days of pure hell from losing a loved one in my adult life. I'll never go through another day like today. Ever again.

I'll make sure of it.

If I keep thinking it, I'm sure my heart will follow through. There's not much left of it anyway.

OoooooooooooooooO


	2. She's alive

She's alive. My God, she's alive.

After six months of pure, nonstop torture, I find her alive. Unharmed. She's okay.

She's not dead. She didn't suffer the same fate as others I've known had.

Two days ago, she saved my life. Not having backup was a mistake. She took care of that. Out of nowhere, after being gone for so long, she came at the moment I needed someone badly. I needed her. Because at the time, I didn't care if I was ambushed. Those people shooting at me filled me with relief.

Death wasn't so bad. As long as it was for me. As long as I had no one to leave behind.

Nikita showed up. She saved my life. In many ways.

I'm allowed to breath again.

Last night I met her again. She looked so scared. Vulnerable. Alone.

I've never missed anyone as much as I missed her.

Valentine missions always kept me awake at night, making me feel guilty for what seemed like cheating on Elena.

I didn't feel guilty about this. It felt too wonderful to be wrong. I could breath again. After so long, I was taking my first breath.

It felt good.

I swore, so hard, that I'd never fall in love after Simone's death.

I failed.

I fell in love.

I love Nikita. More than life itself.

So much, that I've been thinking up random cliches.

I hate cliches.

Nikita's alive. My love, my life, is alive.

I allowed myself one day to wallow in this wonderful new feeling.

Tomorrow I'll go back to the normal. To being closed in and denying any sense of emotion inside

But the facts will still be there. Now that they've been acknowledged and brought out in the open, they'll be harder to fight them. It'll be a hard battle, but a battle nevertheless.

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO


	3. Nikita's back in Section

Nikita's back in Section.

I've never been more relieved.

But she's not as happy as I am.

She's having dreams. She wants me to admit my 'feelings'. Can't she see I'm a cold blooded killer? I have no feelings. I need her to believe that. If she doesn't, soon I won't either. And then it won't be true.

I need it to be true.

She wants to know why I brought her back.

I told her to be patient.

How can I tell her that I brought her back for purely selfish reasons? That it wasn't because of her at all.

I brought her back for me.

Because I can't stand to live without her.

Because shiny guns were never so appealing while she was missing.

I'm a married man. I can't do this to Nikita. It'll break her.

But I can't stop. It's a slippery slope that I can't get out of. It started, now it won't stop.

She wants to pursue this relationship. From material and mentor. From friends. She wants to keep furthering it.

But I can't. I can't go any further. I've been brought to the brink. If I allow one more step, I'll be too far gone.

I'm married to Elena. One more step, and I won't be.

And then I'll be dead.

I can feel her pent up frustration she has from me. She hates my silence.

But I can't tell her why I brought her back. I can't tell her I'm in love with her.

I've done enough damage already.

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO


	4. What hell feels like

I've always known what hell feels like. It's when nothing seems to matter anymore. Pain is the only thing you can feel or think about. It invades your every waking moment. There is no sleeping. Just torturous dark hours.

I first felt this when my parents were killed. And then when I had to leave my sister to die in prison and be recruited in to Section, a place I'll never escape from.

I felt it when Simone died. Both times. When that little baby we had together was killed. When my dreams were haunted by my suspicion that it was because of Section he died.

I'm visiting hell again. This time, I don't think I'll ever be able to leave. I'm trapped.

I sense I deserve it. Because of this, I'm helpless to try and escape. There's no use anyway.

I'm dead to my son. I'll never see him again.

It's his birthday today. He thinks I'm in the ground. He's in no mood for a birthday party. I'm ruining his life. This will scar him forever.

My fault.

This is my hell.

There's only one thing making it worse. That could possibly make it worse.

Nikita is hanging around. She's worried about me. She's down below, standing guard at the gates. She thinks I don't know. That I haven't noticed. I do.

She hasn't slept in as many days as I haven't. I'm hurting her too.

I don't know how. I really can't understand it.

She knows now. She knows my big, Section kept secret.

I was married. Past tense.

I'm dead to my family.

I thought the knowledge of having a family would destroy Nikita. It seemed to make her crumble. To make her hurt. It certainly caused me enough pain.

She's guarding my doors to make sure I don't die. I don't care either way. Guns are starting to look quite good again.

Nikita cares. She still loves me. She proves it every night.

She can't fool me. I can see through my own pain just enough to see that she has symptoms of hurt as well. Still, she wants to be my salvation. My escape from this fiery hell. The one person I can go to. To depend and trust.

Some part of me still functions enough to tell me I want it too.

But I can't. Not yet. I've made her wait so long. And still, it has to go on.

I feel too numb. This time, the scars are too deep to recover from any time soon.

Her faith in me is overwhelming. It almost gives me a faint glimmer of hope. Almost.

She reminds me that I still have some emotion left. Something that registers other than anguish.

I love her with everything I have in me. I have no soul. There's little heart left.

But I love her with everything that's still there.

One day, maybe I'll be able to offer her the little I have.

OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO


	5. She's in my arms

She's in my arms.

I've been through hell before. So has she. But the last few months have been terrible. For us both.

We've made it this far. Through all the horrors that Section had caused us.

Modifying Nikita's emotions. A mission marriage. The death of the boy that Nikita related to as a brother. Being trapped in a mental institution.

Being taken from a mission spot by a man who was clearly insane.

But it's all fine now.

We've gotten through the trials.

I can't get to sleep. I should be able to. I haven't slept in a week.

The rain is pattering against the tent, making a loud sound against the vinyl.

Nikita is fast asleep. I wish I could join her.

It's hot. As reluctant as I am, I roll away from her, trying to cool down. To breath better.

A mistake. I roll too far, causing a pole to become undone. The tent caves in, Nikita immediately awakens and crawls out of the tent as fast as she can.

I follow behind.

She's soaked already. Her blonde hair is darkened, plastered upon the sides of her face. Her teeth chatter, goose bumps mar her usually smooth skin, visible in her tank top.

I look at her with an apologetic look upon my face. "My fault." I whisper, ready to survey the damage.

Instead, she grabs my wrist, rooting me in place. Keeping me from saving her from the elements.

She laughs, like it's not cold and pouring. She wraps her arms around my wet form, looking up at me in a mixture of sleep and happiness.

"What ever am I going to do with you, Michael?"

Staring in to her blue, blue eyes, I know my answer immediately. I'll do anything for this woman. Anything. I'd give my life just to give her a minute of joy to ease a frown from her face.

"Anything you want."

I heard my voice whisper the words, but it takes a moment to realize I had actually said them out loud. I hadn't meant to. It just...slipped.

A smile appeared on her pillowy lips. She places a kiss upon my own. Apparently, it was the right thing to say.

She seemed satisfied as she continued to lavish my jaw, cheeks, lips.

But it's not enough.

It's not the words she deserves to hear.

I can't bring myself to say them. I haven't spoken them to anyone with real meaning since Simone.

And she's dead.

I trust Nikita with my life. But I don't trust her enough to not leave. I don't trust enough to put all faith in her that she won't make me shatter again. At least not yet. It's a place I simply can not go. it has nothing to do with the way I feel for her. It's just an obstacle I can't seem to get over just yet.

I want to trust her. Badly, I do.

But I can't trust her to not leave.

Not that I care. If anything happens to her, it's all over for me anyway.

First bullet that comes my way, I'll make sure it hits it's target.

So what's stopping me from saying it?

I open my mouth. They don't come out.

I pray one day they will.

OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO


	6. The Unthinkable has Happened

The unthinkable has happened.

I'm leaving her. For good. For decades.

There's a good chance I'll never see her again.

I'm leaving. I have no control over this.

I can't bear the thought. I can't bear to leave this woman.

But I have to.

I hold on to her as hard as I can. As if, if I hold on to her tight enough, this will all go away. Disappear.

No train station. No Sections. No threats.

It doesn't work. The train whistles.

It's time to board. I have to leave her. I have to leave her now.

_I love you, Michael._

She said it. She said it first. It should have been me.

Better late then never is what I have to settle for.

_I love you, too._

And the embrace is broken. A tiny hand is placed in mine.

I board the train.

And watch her cry in heartbreak as it pulls out of the station.

I love her.

And I left her alone to live out her every nightmare.

But I'll return her. I have to. There's no other fate for me. I can't leave her alone forever.

I don't deserve this woman. But nothing, _nothing_, will keep me away from her forever.

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO

-K.S.-


End file.
